The End of Couple-dom

One of the hardest things to adjust to when you have been dumped after 32 years of marriage is no longer being a couple. You are used to one way of life and suddenly it's gone. You feel out of synch with the world because it seems like everyone else is married or involved with someone. You see young people just beginning their married lives and you know that isn't your world anymore.

I got married in 1976 believing that marriage would make me happy and that it would last forever. By then people were questioning whether they had to get married at all, but for the most part they ended up doing it eventually. I was afraid to live on my own. I thought that this relationship would be my emotional rock that would protect me from the world. In truth I was kind of immature.

As a couple, me and my then husband would travel together, have a child, go out to restaurants and share our views on law and politics. We got along for the most part. What was missing was communication. He was unhappy in the marriage, but didn't tell me. When he told me he was moving out it was a total shock to me.

At first I was terrified to be alone. I didn't yet know where our relationship was going or why it was ending. I was totally lost. I got into a support group and went to therapy. I had to now handle the things that my husband used to do-house repairs, bills, cooking, lawn maintenance and car maintenance. The pool turned green and I had to have it overhauled. A storm came along and knocked down several trees and I had to pay someone large sums of money to remove them. I felt like I had been deserted and left to fend on my own, which I was.

Holidays are hard when you are newly single. I had to devise a simpler Thanksgiving meal because there was just me and my daughter and she doesn't eat much. Christmas was very difficult because my then husband ran off to another country with his girlfriend and my daughter did not have her father around on Christmas. I remember picking up take-out on Christmas Eve and seeing all these happy families and friends having a good time. I felt alone and depressed.

Eventually, though, I found out that the sky would not fall if I am alone. I have no one to rescue me if my car breaks down or if my bike has mechanical problems. I have no one to travel with and I spend a lot of time alone. I eat in restaurants alone. It's getting less strange, however and I am finding there are advantages to being alone. If I am on a trip and I feel like lollygagging, I can. I have no one to put me down nor give me exasperated looks when I screw up. I don't have to put up with someone disturbing my sleep by snoring or turning on a light to read. I don't have anyone telling me I am stupid for attempting an ironman(except my daughter). I don't have anyone to buy me presents, but I don't have to schedule my life around another person(except my daughter).

Being alone is both terrifying and exhilerating. I can do things that I couldn't when I was married. The road lies before me, but I don't know where I am going. I hope I am going forward. I don't know if I will ever be part of couple again, but right now that is O.K.