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| Where did this bird come from? |
Sometimes the unknown is exciting. A step into the future without certainty can be a chance for growth, success and joy. But then 2020 happened. It’s more like chaos, depression and death. People have adapted, but we all have lost connections to friends, family and normal activities.
I long for predictable. Too much uncertainty is terrifying. The pandemic has made planning futile. If I was depressed, I could sign up for a race, see a friend, go to a local museum, volunteer or book a trip. Now all these activities are pretty much impossible. Faces on Zoom don’t entirely make up for it. People are still dying, getting infected and can’t get tested. The end in not in sight. All my methods for coping are useless except for lone activities, phone calls and online meetings. Even as an introvert, I desperately miss traveling and seeing people live. Thrown cancer into this mix and it’s even more complicated and risky.
Part of my struggle is that after five months, I still wrestle with continuing on Aromatase Inhibitors. The drugs are supposed to decrease the chance of cancer recurrence. I tried Anastrozole, then Letrozole, then Anastrozole again. I hate Anastrozole, but hesitate to again switch to another. Some days it’s awful, with intense fatigue and some mornings I wake up very depressed. Other days, I am fine. Hot flashes, neck and hip joint ache are consistent, but mood isn’t. Other aches come and go on different body parts. My brain is in a fog and I can’t remember what I was doing a minute ago.
Even the IDEA of this drug is overwhelming because it is not kind. It weighs heavily on the body and spirit. A five year sentence of misery is a long time. But once a person gets cancer, they are tainted with the specter that it might come back, despite all the bodily assaults of treatment. An evil cancer cell might lurk in the depths of the body, waiting to grow. Obsessive research online yields no definitive answers on what to do. Prediction models of cancer mortality are just that--guesses of what might happen.
I want my old pre cancer life back. Estrogen helps with mood, bone health and the lack of it taxes the mind and body. I have gone from hormone replacement to hormone deprivation and it feels awful. It always feel like something good is missing.
I suspect a man came up with these drugs, and thought that they were a good idea to take for FIVE years or even TEN in some cases. If he had to subject himself to this god awful medicine, it would have been a different formulation. A woman would have found some way to make the drugs more bearable.
It’s tempting just to chuck it all and take my chances for recurrence. Two other drugs are options, but not very good ones. Tamoxifin causes blood clots and isn’t as effective Aromasin is expensive even with insurance. They both still cause the hot flashes, depression, fatigue and joint pain.
I don’t know where my life is going, but it would be nice to be able to diminish the specter of cancer that is looming over it. Meanwhile, the world stumbles through Covid and the election nears. With fires, floods, drought, hurricanes, murder hornets and a pandemic, what’s next 2020?
At least my head is no longer bald, though five months after chemo my hair is not even an inch long and is growing in random direction. Maybe it’s waiting to thrive too.
