One year ago on this date, my husband dumped me. He walked into the house after being away most of the summer to announce that we no longer had anything in common and that he needed to live by himself for a while. What he didn't say is that he needed to live with his girlfriend of the last three years. At the time he didn't have the courage to say that and lied about there being someone else. He said it was him and not me.
He moved his stuff out while I was out of the house before he even told me he was leaving. I later found out that he was afraid of how I would react, even though I am not a vindictive or angry person.
I was totally blindsided. I thought that perhaps he was unhappy, but that he was going through a phase. I thought that he would never betray me and that the frequent trips and absences were a need to find other friends. He had seemed to lose interest in taking care of the house and the dead grass seemed like a reflection of our relationship. I had never been dumped before in my life and my husband was my first and only love. I felt like the ground underneath me was yanked away. What I thought was my safe and sheltered world was shattered. For a while I couldn't eat or sleep. I was in shock. He went from a person I loved and trusted into a cold and distant person.
I thought that the marriage might be salvageable since I didn't know that he had a girlfriend, but our one attempt at marriage counseling was a failure. He was flippant and said that he hadn't loved me for a long time and that I had never done anything for him. I was devastated.
When he moved out, I was stuck taking care of the house even though we both owned it and I felt like I was left on my own. I resented the fact that I was responsible for paying both mortgages and all the repairs. The pool turned green and I had to get someone to drain it and replace a pump and acid wash it. A storm knocked over three trees and I had to pay someone $900 to remove them. I had garden irrigation problems and had to pay large sums of money to have the system repaired.
He filed for divorce in October. I was able to convince him to do a collaborative divorce, which means that you pay large amounts of money to work with a team of lawyers, divorce coaches, child experts and financial experts to come up with a settlement so that you don't have to go to court. Luckily it worked out and we got legally divorced in June. However, it was still a difficult process for me. We met with our coaches and I got to ask what I wanted of my husband. That's when I found out about the girlfriend. I was stunned. It boggled my mind that he hadn't brought this up before, especially when we were trying to decide about arrangements for my daughter. I also later found out that he had used a large amount of our home equity loan and some of my inheritance to fund a condo in China with his girlfriend. I was stunned at my naivete. I should have been watching our finances much more closely. I was angry, then depressed.
To cope with all of this emotional upheaval, I turned to whomever and whatever I could. I went to a therapist and a support group. I told almost everyone that I interacted with what I was going through. I got medication for the depression that weighed me down so much that I was exhausted. I did activites that I had neglected, like getting out more, taking an art class, joining a tri club and writing a blog. I had already been participating in interests like astronomy, triathlons and art. I am grateful that I had some interests that gave me an emotional center. The emotional pain that I am still experiencing is motivating me to do things that I should have been doing all along. I think I would be still stuck in a rut if my husband hadn't dumped me.
I still have a long way to go. I still have to find a way to financially support myself. I still have friendships to develope. I still have to grow emotionally so that I would be ready for another relationship and not be dependent on another person for my happiness. I still have to develope confidence that I can function on my own.
However, I found out that there are people out there that can help me get though the process of healing. People who validate me as a worthwhile person. I found that I have the strength to muddle through life. I have a sense of optimism that maybe I can accomplish what I want accomplish and that the world is once again open to me if I keep moving forward. "If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." (Barack Obama).
He moved his stuff out while I was out of the house before he even told me he was leaving. I later found out that he was afraid of how I would react, even though I am not a vindictive or angry person.
I was totally blindsided. I thought that perhaps he was unhappy, but that he was going through a phase. I thought that he would never betray me and that the frequent trips and absences were a need to find other friends. He had seemed to lose interest in taking care of the house and the dead grass seemed like a reflection of our relationship. I had never been dumped before in my life and my husband was my first and only love. I felt like the ground underneath me was yanked away. What I thought was my safe and sheltered world was shattered. For a while I couldn't eat or sleep. I was in shock. He went from a person I loved and trusted into a cold and distant person.
I thought that the marriage might be salvageable since I didn't know that he had a girlfriend, but our one attempt at marriage counseling was a failure. He was flippant and said that he hadn't loved me for a long time and that I had never done anything for him. I was devastated.
When he moved out, I was stuck taking care of the house even though we both owned it and I felt like I was left on my own. I resented the fact that I was responsible for paying both mortgages and all the repairs. The pool turned green and I had to get someone to drain it and replace a pump and acid wash it. A storm knocked over three trees and I had to pay someone $900 to remove them. I had garden irrigation problems and had to pay large sums of money to have the system repaired.
He filed for divorce in October. I was able to convince him to do a collaborative divorce, which means that you pay large amounts of money to work with a team of lawyers, divorce coaches, child experts and financial experts to come up with a settlement so that you don't have to go to court. Luckily it worked out and we got legally divorced in June. However, it was still a difficult process for me. We met with our coaches and I got to ask what I wanted of my husband. That's when I found out about the girlfriend. I was stunned. It boggled my mind that he hadn't brought this up before, especially when we were trying to decide about arrangements for my daughter. I also later found out that he had used a large amount of our home equity loan and some of my inheritance to fund a condo in China with his girlfriend. I was stunned at my naivete. I should have been watching our finances much more closely. I was angry, then depressed.
To cope with all of this emotional upheaval, I turned to whomever and whatever I could. I went to a therapist and a support group. I told almost everyone that I interacted with what I was going through. I got medication for the depression that weighed me down so much that I was exhausted. I did activites that I had neglected, like getting out more, taking an art class, joining a tri club and writing a blog. I had already been participating in interests like astronomy, triathlons and art. I am grateful that I had some interests that gave me an emotional center. The emotional pain that I am still experiencing is motivating me to do things that I should have been doing all along. I think I would be still stuck in a rut if my husband hadn't dumped me.
I still have a long way to go. I still have to find a way to financially support myself. I still have friendships to develope. I still have to grow emotionally so that I would be ready for another relationship and not be dependent on another person for my happiness. I still have to develope confidence that I can function on my own.
However, I found out that there are people out there that can help me get though the process of healing. People who validate me as a worthwhile person. I found that I have the strength to muddle through life. I have a sense of optimism that maybe I can accomplish what I want accomplish and that the world is once again open to me if I keep moving forward. "If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." (Barack Obama).
A friend of mine came home to find that her husband had packed most of his stuff to an apartment in the same area, along with a girlfriend. Quite a shock for her, especially as she has MS and depends on his health insurance. Her job with a University doesn't pay enough, and doesn't have as good health benefits.
ReplyDeleteHowever, because of her desperate situation (guilt, guilt, guilt), they never got a divorce, and he still pays the mortgage, takes care of health expenses, and occasionly will fix the house.
Janice Dallas