Rejection Hurts



Earlier Version of Petroglyphs

 Rejection is a tough thing to for me to handle. My inner child pouts and wants to cry. A child is dependent upon an adult for survival and disapproval is devastating for a child. An adult doesn’t need approval to survive, but we all seek it anyway. Ingrained mental habits are difficult to overcome. I want to be emotionally mature, but I just go back to that place where my self esteem depends upon others’ approval.

I recently submitted four paintings to two separate art exhibits. All of them got rejected. I had no illusions that they were masterpieces or even very good, but I thought they had some redeeming qualities of color, composition and subject matter. One painting in particular I had struggled with. It’s an abstract with petroglyphs as inspiration, since patterns and marks attract me. The painting was quite right and it drove me crazy. I had previously submitted it and I used the judges’ comments to change it and it seemed decent to me. Other people told me they liked it. It was rejected two more times anyway.
                                                                                       
The creative process can be painful, whether it is painting, writing, or music. At times, I know I need to do something to make a piece better, but I don’t know what. Other times an unexpected idea comes unbidden out of my mind and the results are interesting. A color suddenly pops when placed next to another. A story now has an interesting animal that talks. Imagination is a fascinating process.



REJECT X3

 Other times, nothing comes to mind and I hate what I have done. I want to do something else because it demands too much mental exertion. If it is a painting, I stand back, stare at it and hope it tells me what to do.


Do you need difference colors? Silence. Different lines? It just stares back at me and says nothing.

Universal guidelines help in painting. Warm and dark colors come forward, cool and pale colors recede, for example, but they don’t always tell me what to do if a painting doesn’t look right; don’t tell what to put in a certain space to create harmony. An inner voice will tell me that the piece is ugly and whatever I do won’t save it.

Putting a creation out in the world is a stressful thing. If no one sees it but you, it doesn’t matter if it has flaws. Once other people see it, your work and therefore you are exposed to criticism, some helpful, some not. I want to improve what I have done and sometimes another viewpoint is needed. The risk is that it will be judged negatively. It’s nice to have the work validated, but that doesn’t always happen. The voice inside me says it doesn’t matter, but it does. The piece isn’t you, but it feels like it. If it sucks, you do.

Braving criticism takes a thick skin and detachment. Most of the time it’s not a bad process for me, even though it un-nerving to be vulnerable. To be judged is tougher when I can’t confront the person. To know that some aspects of my work pleased them softens the blow. Impersonal rejection is harsh. However benign their intention was and how immature my feelings are, it hurts.

I paint for myself, not other people, so if they don’t like my work, I will continue to do it anyway. My inner child will just have to shut up and go sulk.