Tuesday, June 29, 2010

More Things I Learned on the Road to Divorce(or from It).

It's been over a year since I was officially divorced on June 5, 2009. To commemorate the wonderful event, I looked back on what I journaled about last year. What I noticed:

1. The pain persists, but it loses intensity. You mourn what you think you lost, but you accept that it's gone. The expectations that you had for an easy, happy life are gone and you have to create your own happiness which is a lot of work. Without the delusion, you have to work on the reality of your relationships.

2. The anger persists, but it fades away. You don't excuse the bad behavior of your former spouse, but you accept that he or she is a douche and you are better off without that person. Some people are on their own path to douchiness and won't change. Anger takes energy and living in itself is exhausting.

3. You gradually gain some optimism that your life someday will be good, even if there is no sign that that is going to happen. You have to have faith in the process of healing, otherwise you don't have the courage to move on. I don't know if I will ever be happy, but I am working on it.

4. You gradually get back some self-esteem. It takes a lot of work, support from others and therapy, but you end up feeling better than when you were married. Whatever your spouse thought of you doesn't matter anymore. You expand your world, try new things and learn to trust yourself.

5. Doing everything around the house by yourself sucks, but you end up accepting your incompetence. My garbage disposal wasn't working until I read the manual to find out that their was a reset button on the bottom. Problem fixed. The pool pump hasn't been back washed in two years. Maybe I will pay someone to do that.

6. There is still the vast divide among you and people that seem to be happily married. I still marvel about the people in their own happy world with me on the outside looking in. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to because I know things aren't always what they seem to be.

7. The negative feelings persist, but you acquire tools to fight them. You step back from your emotions and ask yourself why you are feeling that way. The emotions may not go away, but at least you are looking at the cause and maybe thinking in a new, more positive way.

8. Healing takes time. Everyone heals at their own rate. I feel like I haven't come along fast enough, but then I had a bad day last week, which reminded me how paralyzing depression is. Sometimes depression is an unwelcome guest that pays you an unexpected visit. You have to come out of it in order to gather your energy to face the difficult things that you need to do.

9. The world is still scary, but you gradually gain a little more confidence in yourself to deal with it. Until last year I had never traveled much by myself outside of the state, but I gritted my teeth and got out there. It wasn't fun, but I did it. The world seems to be going to hell and the economy still sucks. I don't know if I will be able to take care of myself. I have to suck it up and try.

10. All the stuff you neglected while you were married come back to haunt you. Lack of friends, lack of investment in your career, lack of investment in yourself have to be dealt with. You have to go out in the world to re-build these things and it takes time and energy.

11. All the childhood issues that you have come out again-fear of abandonment, neediness, fear, rejection all rear their ugly heads. Your inner child is unhappy and needs to be dealt with. You have to grow up and it's painful.

At least I am in a better place than I was last year. That give me hope that the demons will go away, the inner child will shut up, and the pool pump will fix itself.

3 comments:

  1. I found your blog doing research for IMAZ. I hope to finish my first Ironman in Tempe this year. I also relate to your struggles as my wife left me unexpectedly in 2005 under similar circumstances as yours. I want to encourage you that you can and will overcome this seasons obstacles in your life. During my pain and darkness I called out to a God that I so desperately needed and he reached out to me in amazing ways. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

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  2. You are doing well at dealing with your situation. I find that stepping back and seeing things "in the third person" helps me figure out which battles I can let go of, and which I need to work on with my husband.
    I've been given a man who can drive me crazy when things go wrong for him and he's complaining, but is willing to listen to my point of view and make sure that I know that it isn't me, but the job, etc. that's upset him. I know he loves me and feels secure letting his feelings out at home, but it can go on too long. After all, I need a chance to complain about my world, too. ;-) I hope that, somewhere down the line, you can meet someone who will cherish you, as Ron does me.

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  3. Thanks for your comments Janice & Greg. Positive things do come out of pain, but it's hard getting through it.

    Good luck Greg.

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