What Should I Do With the Rest of My Life?

Ever since I was dumped by my now ex-husband and my world was turned up-side down, I have been re-assessing everything in my life. My possessions, my house, my finances, my emotional state and especially my career. I am an attorney, but my first career was in commercial art. In the 70's and 80's, that meant pasting type on a board to make an label, ad or brochure ready for printing. Since my original college degree was in fine arts, it seemed a logical progression to get a job in. But since I didn't have a degree in graphic design, most of the available work was the scut kind, which was the paste-up. It was REALLY boring. I wanted to do something more creative, but this was the work I could get. It wasn't very intellectually stimulating or creative. I took some graphic design classes, but it really wasn't enough to get a good portfolio. I free-lanced some, which was better than being in a dead-end job, but it wasn't a lot of money.

When my then husband decided to go to law school, changing careers from an industrial chemist, it seemed like a good idea for me as well. It should be easier to get a job in than commercial art I thought. The fact that I was introverted and didn't like speaking in front of people didn't faze me. I also didn't like dressing up at the time. I did, however, life to read, write and research. Law was interesting, but it was very competitive and rigorous. First year law classes were large and upon occasion the professor would call on you with some question that you couldn't answer about a case you didn't remember reading. It was brutal at times especially if the professor was sadistic. They taught with the Socratic method which meant you damn well better analyze various interpretation of the particular law and fact pattern.

Law school also had classes in interviewing clients, but the classes didn't prepare you for the real world. Clients sometimes lie to you and they omit facts. Sometimes they desperately want your services, but they don't want to pay you. They want your advice, but they don't aways value it. All this you have to learn on your own.

When I graduated, I learned that my assumption that it was easier to get a job in law than commercial art was wrong. The big firms that pay well want students that rank very high in their class. For that "good" pay, they expected you to work 80 hours a week and in general give up your life to the firm. The smaller firms also wanted higher ranking students. I was about average, so it didn't help much.

I went out on my own, but the work was haphazard. I had to learn legal procedures on my own. I didn't have a lot of confidence and I felt like I was playing a role that I wasn't suited for. I felt like people expected me to know everything and I didn't. I avoided going to court like the plague because I didn't know the procedures and it scared the hell out of me. Cook County courts were difficult to deal with sometimes.

When we moved to Arizona, I had to learn procedures all over again. I still tried to avoid going to court, but sometimes I got sucked into it. I stuck mostly to simpler stuff like drafting documents and filing bankruptcy petitions. The work tends to be mostly routine with some ringers thrown in once in a while to make things interesting and sometimes stressful. I like helping people, but sometimes I don't like dealing with unhappy people that I can't do anything for.

I still get the feeling I am meant to do something else. Figuring out what that is is the tough part. I like research and writing and I also like to be visually creative. I like to be outdoors and I love nature. I don't like doing the same thing all the time and I get bored easily. I am not really entrepreneurial, but I don't like being a slave to a firm. I seem to like things that don't have an easy way to make a living like fine arts, history, gardening and design. I did a career interest test and they came up with librarian, writer, human resource manager. The testing showed that I tended to be contemplative and that I had a low energy level. That much is true at least.

I am as confused as ever and I really need to figure my life out. I have been thrown out on my own and it's up to me to make decisions about my life. I feel lost and scared. I have to hope that I will move forward and away from the feeling of helplessness that I have. Small steps will eventually get you to achieve a huge goal. I don't believe that you can do anything that you want, but I do believe that if you want something badly enough, you can go farther than you thought you could.